Crazy Query of the Month April 15, 2008
Hello editor and agent.
My name is XXXX and I’m the messiah(i’ll explain how I became the messiah in my book proposal). My autobiography is almost complete hence I’m writing this query letter. I’ve lived a unique life and it continues with me writing to you. I intend to infect the world with love and intelligence in the next few years. I want you on my side…I want your cooperation and assistance…whoever of you takes me on. My autobiography is titled ‘XXXXXXXXXX’…my name is The Joke and my soulmate’s name is XXXXX. I’M ABOUT TO BECOME ENLIGHTENED! When I become enlightened I will reveal myself and my plans to all of you…the world. I have taken over 100% of Scientology and remade it. In my autobiography I explain the new rules of Scientology. Scientology as I have made it will succeed in converting 100% of the world population by 2300AD. I will compete with all religions…but especially Judaism, Islam, and Christianity! I will not be stopped because I am the messiah…my soulmate is also the messiah. Together we will unite the planet and advance Democracy to universal acceptance.
GOD SPEAKS TO ME. He tells me my purpose and my nature. I name God The Entity and Scientology now accepts The Entity as its purpose. God has changed its name to The Entity. In my autobiography I reveal what The Entity says and wants in a dialogue format. Would you like to know what God says to his chosen ones? YES! So would our readers! And would you like to know what I reply? Of course…we all want to know. The Entity in ‘XXXXXXXXX’ will open your eyes. Humor…intelligence…sadness…love…salvation…friendship…pain…It’s all in ‘XXXXXXXXX’. My book proposal will satisfy you. I PROMISE! I know you’re hooked…it’s my plan. Laugh! Email me at with your interest. Thank you…and goodbye from XXXXXX…THE JOKE! and the messiah!
P.S. I LOVE YOU…really…I do…take care.
P.P.S. You should space meditate…it will become the law inevitably…REALLY!
Wow, how cool. The only celebrity I’ve ever met was Sinbad and General “Don’t Call Me Chuck Unless You’ve Flown A Mission With Me” Yager.
And here you’ve got Mr. Second Coming soliciting you.
Or is it Mrs. Second Coming?
Either way, you’re going to be sorry when the whole universe buys this person’s book and you kick yourself for passing on 15% of the new Bible.
… I would be staring in horror if I wasn’t so busy laughing with my head in my arms. You poor, poor agents!
Can you say ” tip of the iceberg”? You should see my inbox.
Huh, well aren’t you lucky.
Thank goodness he’s about to be enlightened if he’s going to infect the world with his intelligence.
P.S. I LOVE this letter for making me laugh so hard.
P.P.S. Will somebody please tell me what the bleep space meditation is?
Did I mention I was one of 50 people copied on this. I guess there’s no time to individually email people when you’re the main dude of the Second Coming.
LMFAO! Proof positive that truth is stranger than fiction!
BTW, Dwight sent me.
This thing reads something like a bottle of Doctor Bronner’s 18-in-1 Pure Castile Soap. I keep reading it, thinking ‘No, this can’t be for real.’ I’m somewhere between very amused, and very very frightened. Wow. This person, and others like him/her and their soulmate, walk among us. You could pass them at the grocery. Or the voting booth.
Talk about putting the fear of God in us. Thanks for that CE to the grundler.
P.S.
Welcome, Josephine!
I knew there was something I was forgetting in my querying. I keep forgetting to be the Messiah!
Aw damn.
Gosh, I wish I’d written this letter as a piece of painfully obvious satire.
Malcolm
Frightening…and funny. (I’d write more but I must go space meditate…after all, it’s the law!)
Oh God, if this is what agents receive, I would never become an agent, even if they paid me a million dollars a year. This is too much to handle, even for someone with a great sense of humor!
Sorry I came to the party late, but I had to reply to this one. If God speaks to him, then why hasn’t God/The Entity told him which agent is the divine one to take on the project instead of copying it to 50 people?
Signing off as saying he loves you . . . really . . . he does, that registers a new high on the creepy-o-meter!
In case your wondering, Josephine Damian sent me over to your decked-out place.
Funny as hell! I’d buy and read this book. God has changed his name. Hooray.
I think I’m in love. I’d be gay to meet this person.
I read “Blind Submission” and wondered if the query letters in that novel were based on real queries agents get or if the author, Debra Ginsburg, was exaggerating for comedic effect. This letter of yours shows me she wasn’t exaggerating, especially if this is only the tip of the iceberg!
This really gives me the creeps…a serious squishy feeling in my gut. Well, as serious as squishy can get.
Wow.
Can you say, “An author with a platform”?
FOTFLMSAO